Wasted
I’ve never been wasted,
but I’VE been wasted -
wasted time
wasted breath
wasted energy
wasted talent
wasted potential
wasted me.
I’m sick of being wasted,
hungover with disappointment
and aching with aimless restlessness.
Background:
That sickening “wasted” feeling is just awful - like being in emotional quicksand, flailing around but getting less than nowhere, if that’s possible, because the more you panic, the more you sink. That often is what avoidance feels like to me, and I have too much practice - putting off a task that is technically simple, but feels like it might take forever or involve making a phone call (horror of horrors!); seeking funny video after funny video to drown out fear or frustration, because “I’m sick of having a reason to emotionally regulate AGAIN”; crocheting instead of … well, could be anything else, because at least there is something tangible at the end.
Unlearning unhealthy emotional habits feels so difficult, but it is not impossible. God calls us to renewal and transformation in our minds - I have been finding lately that submitting to simple renewals, momentary renewals, has been freeing. I am finally heeding the advice I’ve heard all my life and “taking it one step at a time” more often, by determining to do one small part of a process and not hold myself accountable for the entire task in that moment. Emphasis on “in that moment”. I’m trying to learn how to take a step and not be obsessively thinking about what the end result should be in the few minutes encompassed in that single step. Doesn’t feel natural. Doesn’t happen every time.
But! Ironically, taking moments to consider the end of my life, that major End Result, and what I want to look back on, helps me try to live more in each moment, because I don’t want to look back and see more of this “wasted” state than of anything actually meaningful.
I hope we wring all the life out of the one we’ve been given, leaving plenty of space and readiness for the next Life, Lord willing.
Wishing you goodness without end,
Jess