Part I
As I sit here, viewing the glorification and often the makings-up of great characters, I feel something rise inside me, something longing to burst, erupt forth, and claim my whole being; something so powerful, so monstrous, so beautifully consuming that I rejoice at its coming.
Tears fill my eyes, both from happiness at the tumultuous, ecstatic feelings, and also because I know these feelings will subside and leave me for a time because they have no direction.
This emotion can be called so many names:
reason, direction, decisiveness, longing, passion, purpose.
This feeling shows me I am worth something, that I have something to give, to provide, to supply to humanity.
This proves that I can contribute. I am not just the average girl, with average dreams, of liking and being liked. This is the purest display of my wants, to give back, to help people, to do great things. I have the power, the essence, but not the outlet. I believe with all my strength, my soul, my heart, my mind, with every cell, tissue, muscle, tendon, vein, piece of DNA, every single, unique fiber of my being that I can make a difference; that I can change the world.
Part II
Who knows if all people feel this or if it is only a rare few who can tap into this need. It is quite probable that many people have the ability, but possibly, not the awareness to recognize the presence of their desire. Maybe some lack it, contributing to the violence and hatred in the world. They are the ones to be pitied, controlled by a different, more sinister, yearning.
This want to hurt seems to have spread, infecting Adam’s race, stripping them of their potential, the infinite possibilities to excel, to soar, to dream, to imagine, to dabble in the pure magic that resides in the clean, beautiful compartment of a content, humble, loving soul.
These people, shadows of people, have little chance of regaining that passion for service; some do, with a vengeance. Most don’t; yet, the ones that do make all the difference - they shake the foundations of society, and even the world, turning everything upside down, inside out, and forcing so many people to look at, face to face, head on, the wrongness of what they do, what they say, what they want, what they think.
Part III
I realize my potential, often when I hear, see, witness the hurting of a person by another person. An emotion is born of my feelings to help, to encourage, an emotion of rage, anger, a sense of injustice, wrongdoing, a righteous fury at the harm of another, the often completely undeserved harm that comes forth from insecurity and the lack of that life-giving purpose on the part of the taunter.
Yet, at this moment, I fall short. I hold back and suppress my longing to defend; I become a coward; I lock away my purpose, afraid to let it show, most likely from fear of ridicule, partly from fear of hurting the feelings of the harmer. Silly me, concerned with the sensitive, heartless attacker.
Part IV
Maybe not silly; loving my enemy?
Is that it?
Being able to look past their ugliness, not on the outside, but the inside, look past it all and see the deep-down, hidden purpose that has been pushed much, much farther than mine has ever been?
Conquering the rage, using it to motivate me to help those with the most need, those who are the ones who hurt others because they, too, hurt?
Reaching in, much to their discomfort, and pulling out that glimmer, ray, sliver of hope and reason?
And, as this essential puzzle piece of the soul surfaces, supporting them as they gain understanding and as they are able to harness this fire and turn it toward prosperity and promotion of happiness for all people?
Helping them to reach the completeness of what they are, to arrive at “what they could be?”
To feel the edges of their soul stretching, almost fighting to spread outside the body, to permeate everything?
Part V
The soul that consists of all that makes a person who they are. These basics of a person that do not usually change; though, it is sometimes seen for a personality to change, possibly indicating a change of soul, heart, and mind, with bits of the old left behind, the very fundamentals of the person that connect all their pieces and what they began as. Yet it seems that these can be transformed as well, a tribute to the amazing adaptability of man.
This also seems to prove the distinctive difference from person to person, for two can be placed in very similar situations and one come out spiritually, morally, stronger, while the other vows vengeance because of circumstance they could not control.
Part VI
The thought of the diversity of all things brings my own soul to its spiritual knees in awe; to consider the idea that every single blade of grass is different from every other blade of grass that is, has been, or will be extends beyond the physical boundaries of my mind, both exhilarating and terrifying me; the thought that each invisible but very real and unreplicable bird-song shall never be sung again brings me sadness and renewed longing to hear the next new natural composition to be born.
Part VII
Such complexity seems to resonate through all things, uniting every element, creature, plant, and human into the essential parts that make up the universe. The detail, the planning, the intelligence that went into this creation so much larger than the human understanding is tremendous, enormous, much larger than the effect. A powerful cause, with the ability to bring forth that thing elusive to mankind: that spark called life, something we cannot create on our own, something we only regenerate and are filled with.
A blessing, a gift, a test from Someone else, Someone higher.
Part VIII
All of these thoughts have led to this conclusion: that life is a precious, complex object, given to all who inhabit the Earth and anywhere else life may exist; also, that the application of life, the life that I live, is up to me; I can make it anything I wish and I have the ability to do so.
Such an idea is far-reaching and quite popular, though it does not seem to have registered with people, for they so rarely take life and turn it into what it could be.
Life is something that can be molded. It can be given, it can be taken. It can challenge and strengthen, it can test and break.
The events of life are often impossible to choose, but each and every man, woman, and child can change their outlook, which will, in turn, change their life.
We don’t change life, for it is always the same. We change how we see it, how we respond to it.
And we all have the power to do that.
Background:
In my poetry notebook, this piece is dated in the first semester of my 9th grade year, with a note right before it:
“*Note: not sure if this next one is a poem or not; I wrote it one night after watching a movie - suddenly, I felt this burning desire to know why I am here, to have a real purpose for living. I have felt that before, but this time it was so strong that I had to write something. This piece starts out on the topic of having purpose, but then moves on to other things. So, here it is.*”
I have often walked out of movies feeling both hyped up and reflective, and this rambling piece that I wouldn’t even really call a poem was the result of one of those times growing up.
Ugghhh, I struggle reading this one for a few reasons - phrases like “I am not just the average girl” (ick) and the overall tone that has hints of thinking it is deeper than maybe it really is. Several parts make me want to reach back in time and pat my own arm and go, “shhhh, shhhh, slow down, think a little more.”
Granted, there will probably be times in the future when I look back at my writing from the present phase of my life and wish I could say that to the current me!
Growth, Jess, make room for growth, have grace for growth. Be patient.
When I look past the parts that make me cringe, I recognize the girl there because I’m still her, different in several ways, but the same in many, too. The desire to have a positive impact remains and the uncertainty about how to comes and goes.
I think about how the idea of changing the world can itself change as you get older and add more layers to your understanding. Really, I have already changed the world, you have already changed the world, just by being in it. We can’t help but change the world - who knows where the ripples of your footsteps, your smiles, your words, your presence will reach? The real fun, the real challenge, the real conundrum is how you want to change the world, and whether you will attain the type of internal peace to be alright with only being in control of your intention and action, not the outcome.
Lord, help us engage with You in the shaping process. Help us to shed the parts of us that we adopted that don’t honor You, ourselves, or others. Help us to allow You to transmute our substance into a version of ourselves that reflects You more clearly and more joyously.
Wishing you goodness without end,
Jess