TBT: Rebirth
Quietly on the pew she sat
inside, her thoughts swarming like gnats,
One little girl with one big heart
which gave a jolting, jostling start.
Singing this song, this plea at her church
made her conscience give a lurch.
Her soul ached with deep-seated pain,
with well-deserved discouragement and shame.
She knew, deep down, even she did wrong,
so making her decision did not take long.
Her soul-wound bled out through her eyes,
tears falling down like rain from skies.
Just a short while later, in a water-proof suit,
her daddy came over and told her to scoot.
She clambered down into that warm water,
feeling so nervous a few times she tottered.
As a sinner, she looked around for the last time,
the joy of it all made her eyes brightly shine.
She was buried and rose, filled with new life.
Now, she could handle all the trials and strife.
The shackles holding her down were loosed
like a doomed man released from his noose.
Her soul, revitalized and wanting to sing,
took to the heavens on invisible wings.
That night, as she lay in her bed,
the love of her Lord banished all dread.
She knew she was saved, she knew she was free.
She was ready to serve all faithfully.
This is the story of one and of many,
the life-giving gift, never rivaled by any.
Background:
At the time when I wrote this, I had been a Christian for about three years and was thinking back on the night I was baptized.
Because I was pretty young (ten years old) when I made that choice, my memories have that childhood haze around them, but I do remember that it was a Wednesday night and that we were singing the invitation song when I felt this extreme weight in my heart while singing the words and finally hearing them.
My sobs came quick, keeping time with my racing thoughts about how I knew what sin was, had knowingly sinned plenty of times, and was now responsible for my own soul. I kept coming back to, “if I died tonight, I’d go to hell.” Beside me, my parents quickly became concerned, and I whispered what I could of what I was thinking, trying not to interrupt the singing. My parents got the youth minister, and while the evening service finished up, the four of us talked about what I had realized.
The youth minister, Mr. Bill, had me read aloud the story of Philip and the Ethiopian Eunuch, and he asked me what prevented me from being baptized. I told the three adults that I was afraid that I wasn’t ready, and Mr. Bill responded that my concern made him think I was.
So I did it - I went back out with my parents and Mr. Bill, and, in front of the small group who had heard about the conversation we were having and decided to stay, I was baptized by my dad. I was trembling and nervous about being watched by even such a comparatively small group, but I told all present that I believed Jesus was the Son of God and wanted to walk through life with Him. Afterward, we all stood in a circle, holding hands, and our preacher prayed over me, my decision, and my life. That night I slept better than I ever had before and probably better than I ever have since.
My walk with the Lord began in fear for my soul but grew into love for Who He is. So many times I have questioned what I believed and in spite of the turmoil in the middle of the questioning, the end result has been more trust and more love each time.
Honestly, I want to question it even more now. I see shaky legs on my faith as I walk it out and I often have reason to challenge myself: “Do I really believe what I say I believe? Do my actions say that I do?” I frequently have reason to say no, my actions tell me that I don’t believe that yet with every last fiber of my being - there are some fibers left doubting. I have so often related to the father with the demon-possessed son - “I believe, help my unbelief!”
But I have never seen any wavering from the One walking with me. I have never experienced cruelty from Him as a result of my questioning, my faltering, my despair. I have received chastening, but always more gently than I deserve based on how worthy He has been of my trust and always in kindness even beyond what my need requires.
I sometimes wonder how weak I really must be considering how tenderly God has ministered to my feeble, doubting heart. This has often felt like salt in a wound - I despise my weakness, how needy I am, that I need so much help - but salt also cleanses and hastens healing. It is becoming a little easier to accept that my weakness isn’t something that will completely disappear this side of the resurrection. I didn’t say easy to accept, but easier - it still grinds my gears sometimes that I keep being timid sometimes, that I keep having snippy moments, that I keep distracting myself in some of the times when I feel overwhelmed.
However, the healing I have seen, the difference between who I was that first night I was baptized and who I am now, is too much for me to dismiss as coincidence. He has been mending things in me for years - I still tremble in front of people, but I have begun speaking even while trembling. I still lose my patience with people closest to me, but I have felt a noticeable change in my willingness to apologize. I still avoid things that make me uncomfortable or nervous, but I have often been taking less time to get up the gumption to face them, and sometimes even facing several things in a row within a short span of time.
He has been mending things in me for years, and He hasn’t given up or harshly berated me for how long I’m taking. He has actually helped me be more patient and forgiving with how slow I am.
Even though my initial response to God’s call was out of fear of hell, my continuing response is out of so much more because of Who He has been to me these last 20 years. How could I say no to taking another step with Someone Who didn’t leave me even when I wondered if He existed at all? Someone Who didn’t take away the life He gave me during the years when I spoke over myself - someone He had invested so much in - as something to be disdained and belittled?
I still question - a lot! But I have also been loved - a lot! That makes a person want to stay, even when they’re confused or sad or tired.
We all need some mending, and sometimes not in the amount or the ways or the order we think best. We don’t have to know. We can breathe through the pain of healing because the One Who knows how we should function is fixing the parts in us that don’t. If we let Him.
Let’s let Him.
Wishing you goodness without end,
Jess